When I went on the "cheating" dating site Ashley Madison while gathering information for my eBook on online dating, wow — what an education! The success of such infidelity sites makes a lot of sense because they grant married "daters" anonymity. But here is the amazing discovery I made during my time with Ashley Madison: Most of these men are more interested in relating romantically than they are in just having sex. Well, this shouldn't be married. If these men just want sex, there are plenty of other well-established sites for that purpose.

Find out what they are really looking for online.

But the men I encountered through email, phone conversations, and in-person meetings made it clear they were looking for love. For some, men isn't hookup important. Romance is the dominant interest.

They want a "lover" to text them to say she's thinking men click at this page. They long to receive a caring phone call mid-afternoon. One man said he was thinking of me when he was with his wife while they were waiting men a movie to start.

We'd never met and never did. But when we spoke on the phone, it was with the tones see more caring and desire, like lovers. Of those men seeking sex, I asked why they wanted a married I wanted to know why men visit cheating sites.

It turns out most were not having sex with their wives. But even without sex, people can feel loved and adored. These men, however, didn't feel loved either. But they did, very much, want love. One man stayed in his marriage men his wife indulged in at least two long affairs. At that point, he was no longer willing married have sex with her. After years of that sexless existence, he finally went online to find married women to share encounters with.

Another man's wife was chronically ill, depressed, and didn't enjoy sex. He'd married her to help her get well. When failing, he sought out interested women but never actually consummated sex with any. A man dating a woman who was eager for sex was upset by her lack of interest in romantic dinners. He stopped seeing her. I had the greatest rationalizations and research for my book. The yearning for love, being cherished, and feeling wanted was so strong. These hookup gobbled up any attention from me, with more clearly desired.

While they did talk about sex, it was not the primary focus. They liked my interest in them and how I wanted to hear their stories and learn about their lives.

It felt like genuine caring, and I guess it was. When sexless couples come to my office, it's a struggle to get them in touch with their loving feelings for each other. I help them access care without requiring hookup to engage in sex as part of that expression.

They agree to stop having sex for a time, re-discover their loving feelings, if any, and then add sex back in.

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Many people go to therapy because one partner believes they deserve sex and demands it. Sexual shame is the greatest inhibitor of couples being able to maintain an abundant desire for each other. We look at how shame influences lack of interest and the see more for outside stimulation. Photo: Roman Samborskyi via Shutterstock.

I believe the frequency of extramarital affairs initiated online is why men visit cheating sites and is the outcome of can rabbits meet dating site mine large number of people who cannot incorporate loving sex into their marriages.

Sexual energy, even if not acted on, fuels the strength of feeling. Many men in my practice have difficulty wanting sex with their wives.

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Because they separate the "clean" wife from the "dirty" lover, even if only by hookup and talking with her. They often see wives as mother-like or pure and not appropriate for "dirty" or "nasty" sex.

I wrote a novel called Dirty Sex or Clean Sexin which the characters walk through these issues as they show up in love relationships. The reader is the fly on the wall as the characters explore their sexual shame and learn to relate with the married they live with and love. My work with clients and my explorations on Ashley Madison reveals that sexual relating is perhaps the most confusing arena in which to relate.

Love, sex, and shame are interwoven in ways that are difficult to pull apart. Anne Stirling Hastings, PhD is a California psychologist and author specializing in sexuality and relationships. She is the author of self-help books and is now writing Transformational Fiction novels in which she entertains and informs. Anne Stirling Hastings.

My life in sex: ‘I prefer other married men. Picking them up is easy’

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